The urge

So to be honest i've been feeling so depressed and frustrated lately..

Like have you ever feel like everything that you do always seem so wrong? 

And the worst thing is that you keep doing it because you don't want to hurt someone's feeling, yet you also have to bear the fact that it could kill you inside slowly....

It hurts when you know that sometimes they treat you nicely and they don't have a mistake to be blamed, yet you don't know why even though you've asked yourself you still don't know why you can't treat them back like what they did to you, like what they wish-you could do for them...

And yeah the fact that you can't treat them back really hurts...

Tbh you still want to treat them back but you don't know how and what to do so you asked your friends, and you told them everything but in the end they'll only blame you after knowing what you've done. And yes, it hurts you again because they blame you, while actually you only wanted to be understand-ed not to be blamed... In the end it makes you feel desperate, because you don't know what to do and you need someone to understand you, but everyone is not always like what you expect them to be.. you can't expect them to always stay on your side...

You admit it that you're so cruel, you are heartless, and you don't feel thankful toward what they've given to you and you're always haunted by the feeling of feel sorry for them, but when you think again if you also keep doing -what they wish you to do- it could hurt you because you don't feel like you can do it anymore. And if you force to keep doing it, yes, it's true that finally they are happy yet what about your heart? Do you think you still strong enough to pretending you still can keep doing it?

And in the end everything that you do is so pointless.

If you keep doing it, yes you pay them back. yet you'll just feel burdened by the feeling that actually it hurts because you do it with half of your heart and in the end it could also hurt them back when they discover what you did toward them.

But, if you stop doing it, they'll feel disappointed with you, they'll feel hurt, and they could hate you.

But you can finally feel calm again because you don't have to pretend to act making someone happy anymore. You won't feel burdened by your -fake- act and your half heart feels. You can finally live your life back even it hurts someone.

And in this case, i choose to stop doing it.